Statistics Jokes

  • Well, we've got favourite statistics quotes. What about statistics jokes?

    I made this community wiki as there is no correct answer.

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  • A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and he's lost. So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

    "Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?" "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you're hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians"

    "Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?" "I am! But how did you know?"

    "Everything you've told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it's no use to me at all!"

    "Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?"

    "Geeze! How'd you know that????"

    "You don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you're in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!

    Love this one!!

    This is hilarious and true

    Hilarious. I wonder what the PI and Statistician are doing in in Roseburg, Oregon? ;-)

  • A statistician's wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted. "Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll baptize them," said the minister. "No," replied the statistician. "Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."

    STATS: The Magazine For Students of Statistics, Winter 1996, Number 15

    I do not have enough reputation to downvote this!

    @Ηλίας you have enough now

  • I saw this posted as a comment on here somewhere:

    http://xkcd.com/552/

    alt text

    A: I used to think correlation implied causation. Then I took a statistics class. Now I don't.

    B: Sounds like the class helped.

    A: Well, maybe.

    Title text: Correlation doesn't imply causation, but it does waggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while mouthing 'look over there'.

  • George Burns said that "If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."

    I remember seeing George Burns on TV being interviewed on his 100th birthday. He was puffing on a cigar. The interviewer made some comment about the incongruity of longevity and smoking. George Burns: "Twenty years ago my doctor told me that these cigars were going to kill me" Interviewer: "What does he say now?" George Burns: "I don't know. He's dead"

  • Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.

    A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

    Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York.

    At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”

    I think originaly taken from Yihui XIE's Statistics Jokes Slides (http://www.yihui.name/en/attachment.php?f=attachment/jokes_yihui.pdf)

    I don't quite understand.

    @SmallChess The statistician is naively extrapolating from previous observations that the number of engines is negatively associated with flight time. In reality, zero engines would quickly leading a crash.

    @Kodiologist The one statistician who thought the airplane would stay up in the air forever was a Bayesian scholar. His colleague statistician, a well-known frequentist, answered him saying$-$We actually do not know if the airplane will stay in the air or not.

  • One passed by Gary Ramseyer:

    Statistics play an important role in genetics. For instance, statistics prove that numbers of offspring is an inherited trait. If your parent didn't have any kids, odds are you won't either.

    I'd bet on that.

  • From the CMU protest at G20:

    CMU Protests at G20

    There are other pictures from the protest as well.

    I liked "Map reduce, map reuse, map recycle".

  • Statistics may be dull, but it has its moments.

    hahaha... so simple. Me likey.

    Says a statistican to his friend: "counting on me is pure frequentism".

  • A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a true/false test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The statistics professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin … writing the answer … flipping the coin … writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying, “Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn’t even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?” The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin), “Shhh! I am checking my answers!”

    I've posted a few others on my blog.

  • A statistician confidently tried to cross a river that was 1 meter deep on average. He drowned.

    He should have measured the standard deviation.

    Sounds more like a science journalist to me...

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Content dated before 6/26/2020 9:53 AM